Scattershoot

My mother came down Saturday for a few minutes, mainly to see her grandkids, but while she was here she planted a few flowers in the front flowerbed and directed me on moving a tree in that same bed so that it wasn't so close to the house. Once the tree was moved I attempted to brace it the way it had been, only to find that of the 3 or 4 stakes, only 2 were left, so the two I pushed back in the ground probably won't be enough to keep it from leaning over. I guess I'll have to go buy something to take care of that, but I must confess that my expertise in this little project was at the breaking point the moment I picked up a shovel...

I was fairly disgusted to find that the mulch was covering piles of clumped-up concrete, which apparently was left in the bed after the construction ended.

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'Just for fun', I took a career assessment test online yesterday, and was rewarded with a list of the 10 best careers for someone like me. Of the 10, 5 were variations on a theme of either professional musician, actor, or writer (translation: in my dreams).

Two were totally unexpected: decorating and art work and occupational safety. ...o...k...

And the other 3 were:

• Psychological Research
• High School/University teacher
• Trade Management, which is described as 'managing design and implementation projects, such as ... computer programs' - which is, ironically, what I do today.

While the 'other' 2 above are interesting, both would require moderate to extensive additional education, so ... let's just say probably not right now.

Well, gotta run. God is still good, y'all.

B

Deja Vu

My wife asked me tonight if I'm ok. Apparently I looked a little sad. If you read my previous post, no, it didn't have anything to do with no longer working from home, or Piper, or Christian, or my wife.

For several weeks I've been finding myself frustrated with my job, longing for some more meaningful way to make a living. Wondering again about the 'calling' that I wondered about, that I wondered if I was hearing or was being prepared for. So I talked to Celeste about what I'm feeling.

Basically, here's what I said:

Here I am wondering again about the leadings I've thought God
has given me about my calling, or the calling that he may be
preparing me for. All the verses that I thought he gave me, all
the personal interpretations I found for them that made me
think he was preparing me for some kind of role in full-time
ministry – was that really God speaking to me? Or was that some
part of myself, longing for something as simple as a career
change, imagining things that God was not really saying?
Tonight I still think those things were his voice, I still
believe that – with the caveat that while I trust him, oh how I
want to trust him fully, but I absolutely don't trust my own
heart and my own ambition to sit down and shut up and let him lead.

The interesting thing is that after talking to Celeste about this, a few minutes later I was on my computer, reading through some old files where from time to time I journaled. And the thing is that the text above came from one of those journal entries -- from March 11, 2004, a little more than a year ago.

And so I am forced to face the fact that I am mentally and emotionally in the very same place right now that I was in 13 months ago. Apparently I've made no progress related to my job and this elusive and possibly imaginary 'calling' that keeps circling my head like a spray of steam, one moment there, but the next moment maybe not.

What I wouldn't give for God to just tell me if that's my imagination or not. Fifteen months back I was seriously looking at applying for a job with a different employer, but I really think God told me to stay put, so I did. But he never said why, and he never said for how long. Past experience has taught me that I really need to obey the last directive he gave me, until he releases me from it or gives me a new directive.

So I sort of feel stuck.

I am left with the last statement from that journal entry a year or so back. I still want this to be my heart on the matter.

If these 'leadings' are of Him, they'll come to be. If not, they won't, and He's still my Lord and Master, and He still has the best possible future in store for me, and I will still trust him to lead the way.

B

Daddy's Girl

Its happening. Of course, I knew it would. It really had to happen. I'm even glad its happening. I just didn't expect it to affect me.

Rewind. I've been working from home for the last couple of weeks, since Celeste has been unable to pick up Piper while she's been recovering from her C-section. So anytime Piper needed her diaper changed, or to be put down for a nap or to bed at night, or to be taken from her crib in the mornings, or to be put in her carseat to go to church, etc etc, that was my designated job. Not that I didn't do those things before -- but before I wasn't the only one.

Candidly, I really thought this was going to be a dreary chore. I enjoy working - on my computer, or on conference calls. I wasn't really looking forward to being Mr. Mom.

At the same time, Piper had to adjust from being our only child with all our attention to being one of our two children with half our attention. (And she continues to adjust to this, although she's doing very well.)

The combination of these things had an interesting result: I became the 'favorite parent', perhaps even the 'primary caregiver' during this time. She hugged me more, gave more kisses, asked for me more than she ever has. If she was crying, she came to me to be soothed. It was...wonderful.

Not to mention being here with Christian, my tiny son, getting to help take care of him. That's been awesome also.

Fast-forward to the present. Celeste has started to pick up Piper, change diapers, etc. Last night she put Piper to bed. Today I was working in the office and I heard Piper crying loudly in the kitchen; Celeste soothed her, and in the end she had Piper watching the popcorn pop in the microwave, and all was well.

Thursday or Friday, things will really begin to go back to 'normal'. I'll go in to the office, and I will stop working from home each day. Celeste will become the 'primary caregiver' again, and she'll probably start to pick up the 'favorite parent' status, at least most of the time, as she was before.

This is exactly as it should be. I wouldn't have it any other way.

So why is my throat tightening while I type? Must be allergies. I'm sure that's it.

B

He's My Son

I am posting tonight one-handed, as I hold my 8-day-old son in my other arm. (Don't worry, I'll be careful. :-) I wish I were a good enough writer to express the feeling of holding his tiny, sleeping form against my chest, feeling and hearing his soft breaths.

I put my 20-month-old daughter to bed earlier this evening -- always a precious time also -- and holding my son Christian now, I realize how much I've already forgotten about newborns. How they have so little control of their little heads; how their bright eyes scan about when they're awake, taking in the world for the first time; how totally dependent they are on their parents.

(I must pause and comment that Christian is softly moaning in his sleep. I wonder if he'll talk in his sleep as his mother does?)

I think and pray about rearing my children, about helping them see the God of heaven through my own relationship with Him. How awesome of a responsibility is that? It's epic, really. I'm just glad that He is faithful to help.

Ephesians 2:10 proclaims that 'we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.' Lord, how great is Your workmanship, how amazing Your blessings! I lift up my son to You, both my children, and I pray that You would guide their steps into the good works You have prepared for them. May they know You intimately, Father God, and glorify Your holy name. Amen.