Deja Vu

My wife asked me tonight if I'm ok. Apparently I looked a little sad. If you read my previous post, no, it didn't have anything to do with no longer working from home, or Piper, or Christian, or my wife.

For several weeks I've been finding myself frustrated with my job, longing for some more meaningful way to make a living. Wondering again about the 'calling' that I wondered about, that I wondered if I was hearing or was being prepared for. So I talked to Celeste about what I'm feeling.

Basically, here's what I said:

Here I am wondering again about the leadings I've thought God
has given me about my calling, or the calling that he may be
preparing me for. All the verses that I thought he gave me, all
the personal interpretations I found for them that made me
think he was preparing me for some kind of role in full-time
ministry – was that really God speaking to me? Or was that some
part of myself, longing for something as simple as a career
change, imagining things that God was not really saying?
Tonight I still think those things were his voice, I still
believe that – with the caveat that while I trust him, oh how I
want to trust him fully, but I absolutely don't trust my own
heart and my own ambition to sit down and shut up and let him lead.

The interesting thing is that after talking to Celeste about this, a few minutes later I was on my computer, reading through some old files where from time to time I journaled. And the thing is that the text above came from one of those journal entries -- from March 11, 2004, a little more than a year ago.

And so I am forced to face the fact that I am mentally and emotionally in the very same place right now that I was in 13 months ago. Apparently I've made no progress related to my job and this elusive and possibly imaginary 'calling' that keeps circling my head like a spray of steam, one moment there, but the next moment maybe not.

What I wouldn't give for God to just tell me if that's my imagination or not. Fifteen months back I was seriously looking at applying for a job with a different employer, but I really think God told me to stay put, so I did. But he never said why, and he never said for how long. Past experience has taught me that I really need to obey the last directive he gave me, until he releases me from it or gives me a new directive.

So I sort of feel stuck.

I am left with the last statement from that journal entry a year or so back. I still want this to be my heart on the matter.

If these 'leadings' are of Him, they'll come to be. If not, they won't, and He's still my Lord and Master, and He still has the best possible future in store for me, and I will still trust him to lead the way.

B

Daddy's Girl

Its happening. Of course, I knew it would. It really had to happen. I'm even glad its happening. I just didn't expect it to affect me.

Rewind. I've been working from home for the last couple of weeks, since Celeste has been unable to pick up Piper while she's been recovering from her C-section. So anytime Piper needed her diaper changed, or to be put down for a nap or to bed at night, or to be taken from her crib in the mornings, or to be put in her carseat to go to church, etc etc, that was my designated job. Not that I didn't do those things before -- but before I wasn't the only one.

Candidly, I really thought this was going to be a dreary chore. I enjoy working - on my computer, or on conference calls. I wasn't really looking forward to being Mr. Mom.

At the same time, Piper had to adjust from being our only child with all our attention to being one of our two children with half our attention. (And she continues to adjust to this, although she's doing very well.)

The combination of these things had an interesting result: I became the 'favorite parent', perhaps even the 'primary caregiver' during this time. She hugged me more, gave more kisses, asked for me more than she ever has. If she was crying, she came to me to be soothed. It was...wonderful.

Not to mention being here with Christian, my tiny son, getting to help take care of him. That's been awesome also.

Fast-forward to the present. Celeste has started to pick up Piper, change diapers, etc. Last night she put Piper to bed. Today I was working in the office and I heard Piper crying loudly in the kitchen; Celeste soothed her, and in the end she had Piper watching the popcorn pop in the microwave, and all was well.

Thursday or Friday, things will really begin to go back to 'normal'. I'll go in to the office, and I will stop working from home each day. Celeste will become the 'primary caregiver' again, and she'll probably start to pick up the 'favorite parent' status, at least most of the time, as she was before.

This is exactly as it should be. I wouldn't have it any other way.

So why is my throat tightening while I type? Must be allergies. I'm sure that's it.

B

He's My Son

I am posting tonight one-handed, as I hold my 8-day-old son in my other arm. (Don't worry, I'll be careful. :-) I wish I were a good enough writer to express the feeling of holding his tiny, sleeping form against my chest, feeling and hearing his soft breaths.

I put my 20-month-old daughter to bed earlier this evening -- always a precious time also -- and holding my son Christian now, I realize how much I've already forgotten about newborns. How they have so little control of their little heads; how their bright eyes scan about when they're awake, taking in the world for the first time; how totally dependent they are on their parents.

(I must pause and comment that Christian is softly moaning in his sleep. I wonder if he'll talk in his sleep as his mother does?)

I think and pray about rearing my children, about helping them see the God of heaven through my own relationship with Him. How awesome of a responsibility is that? It's epic, really. I'm just glad that He is faithful to help.

Ephesians 2:10 proclaims that 'we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.' Lord, how great is Your workmanship, how amazing Your blessings! I lift up my son to You, both my children, and I pray that You would guide their steps into the good works You have prepared for them. May they know You intimately, Father God, and glorify Your holy name. Amen.

T Minus 23 Hours

Well, we're just about there.

First, we're in the new house. Celeste was an unpacking machine the last few days, to the point that if you didn't notice the lack of pictures on the walls, you might not realize we just moved in. There are about 5 boxes remaining to be unpacked in the whole house. Not bad for a lady who's 9 months pregnant.

Last evening Celeste's parents arrived from Kansas, and my mom came down from Farmers Branch (or whereever she lives in that area :-) and we went out to dinner. Piper managed to be the primary source of entertainment, which is no surprise considering she was the only grandchild at a table including her parents and 3 grandparents.

This afternoon is Celeste's pre-op at the hospital, followed by a final pre-birth appointment with her OB. I'll leave work at 2:30 and meet her there.

And tomorrow morning we'll be at Harris Methodist hospital in downtown Fort Worth, bright and very early, to have our bouncing baby boy. I think the plan will be to have Celeste's folks bring Piper down when she wakes up, and if I recall the timing correctly from Piper's birth 19 months ago, that means they'll probably arrive just as the baby's being born.

I'm at the office now, waiting on a data process to finish, and I thought I'd post one last time before going from being the father of 1 to being the father of 2. I ask that you hold our family up to the Father above during this exciting time.

B

Many hands...

...make light work, and Celeste and I were privileged to see this take shape today.

Our small group from church (and one or two others) came over to give us a hand moving, and we moved virtually everything in under two hours! It was really amazing to behold. It reminded me of the barn-raising scene in Witness, with Harrison Ford, where they showed the method used by the Amish (or Mennonites?) to build a barn from the ground up in a single day.

So I just wanted to take a moment to say thanks to our church family. I've read a lot lately about the church being a 'community', and I'm thrilled to say that I saw it in action today (and not for the first time).

Blessings,
Brian

Can I just share my heart today? I've abstained from caffeine and chocolate for 35 days now -- not much of a feat really, particularly compared to some of the faithful at SBC who have gone without solid food for this same period of time; of course none of this compares with what Christ did for us.

Anyway, the purpose of my little 'fast' was to try to snuggle up to God once again. I have this tendency to go several months where I'm in His word, spending daily time with Him, and then get wrapped up in other things and go for months without spending much time with Him at all. So when the time came for the 40-day fast, I wanted to participate in order to end the self-imposed drought and reconnect with my God.

I'm ashamed to confess that there have only been about 7-10 days over the last 35 when I've really spend quality time with Him (away from church, anyway). I have plenty of 'good' excuses, but in the end even a 'good' excuse is just an excuse. After all, I still find time to watch '24' every week, even if I have to record it and watch it late into the night. But I haven't been making time for the One who saves me.

And its not like I don't feel Him prompting me to hang with Him. I'll find myself thinking 'I should get in the Word', and then... [insert excuse #1436 here].

So I'm going to make a commitment now, right here: I will spend time with God each day the rest of this week. I was in the Word yesterday (and it felt sooo goooood!), and I spent a little time today. Anyone reading this, I invite you to ask me on Sunday whether I've followed through.

Oh, to have the mind of Christ, and His heart as well.
B

Blood from a Turnip

I'm often a vegetable, but lately I'm most definitely a turnip. And I think my wife is too.

We sold our house in January and moved into a rent house while another house is being built. In the meantime I went on business travel for 2 weeks, which left my wife home with our 18 month old, Piper. When I finally came home, Piper picked up some kind of stomach bug, a nasty little virus that lasted a week or so. About the time she got better... I managed to get sick with what appeared to be the same bug. It hit me Friday, I was pretty pathetic Saturday, and felt better yesterday. Today I'm at work, but I'm a little queasy.

I have to say that my wife -- who happens to be 8 1/2 months pregnant! -- has been amazing through all of this. (Speaking of the pregnancy, some good friends threw us a baby shower last night at Spring Creek barbeque, and we had a great time.)

Meanwhile, the new house is finished except for inspections, so we'll do a final walk-through this Thursday or so, and barring something unexpected happening (please God don't let anything unexpected happen) we'll close on the new house the following Thursday the 17th. Then we'll move in the weekend of Friday the 18th.

And then the following Thursday the 24th, we'll have our second child (scheduled c-section, so the date is pretty firm).

Did I mention that I'm responsible for a corporate-wide project at work that was supposed to wrap up just before the new baby is born, and that events have transpired in such a way that the end-date was moved till early April? You would think that the end-date slipping is good, but actually it means that I'll probably have work pending on March 24 and the days to follow, when I'd rather be focused on my family. No pressure, though, right?

A friend of mine told me one time that he was under a lot of pressure in several ways, and that he wondered about bleaching his hair and escaping to Mexico, never to be seen again. Honestly, three things keep me from stealing his idea:

1. Despite all of this mess, my wife and daughter are so awesome. Celeste almost never complains, despite my absence for those two weeks, despite having to change 9/10ths (or more) of the nasty diapers Piper had with the stomach flu (I wasn't home much to change any diapers that week), etc. Celeste is phenomenal. And as for Piper -- have you seen my daughter's smile?
2. I also get a lot of peace from spending time with my 'extended family' from church. In particular, worshiping alongside the rest of the worship team easily recharges my batteries, whether on a Sunday morning with the whole body or on a Tuesday night in practice, or anytime inbetween.
3. Perhaps most importantly: I think I'd look pretty silly with bleached hair.

I'm just praying that I can survive till March 24, and that God will help me be able to disengage from all the other 'urgent' issues on that day and at least a few days following, so I can focus in on the most important ones.

*******************
What else is keeping me up lately (as if I need something else):

John 12:49 (Jesus speaking) "For I did not speak of my own accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say and how to say it."

Can I put a bow on that for ya? God didn't just tell Jesus what to say... God told Him how to say it. God apparently had some very specific objectives, even in the way that Christ said what He said. Could the same be true in my life? I find myself praying a lot about what to do, and often don't feel like I get a clear answer -- dare I pray for the how as well?

B